Shattered » January 24, 2009
Ahhh. This picture (which Kim took, btw) brings me back to August. Not quite in a past sense of thinking, like, "I wish I could go back to this date," but more like, "I can't wait to see where I am when that time this year rolls around." It's a dire desire: Change.
In general, 2009 should bring about a lot of change. Especially personally. Maybe it's the fact I'll soon be 25 with little to show for it that has really become the turning point for me. Although I am getting things together now. The biggest battle is mentally, always has been for me. I've found myself turning into my own coach. Not because no one supports me but moreso because I can't trust that others believe in me until I can believe in myself. I'm gaining confidence. I'm building a drive. Maybe rebuilding is the better word. I'm doing everything solely on my terms because I know I can trust-and believe-in myself now. I didn't before, hence why I've faltered in the past.
Well, with one exception: when I originally lost weight. That was the one other time in my life, as far as I can recall, that I had as much of a drive and belief in myself as I almost have now. In fact, that happens to be one of my goals this year (to lose 30lbs of fat). Maybe there's a correlation. Maybe in order for me to get things together I need to have a long-term goal that is within my control. Plus, it's a goal that I can get semi-immediate results from. Maybe that type of consistency in my life is what I need to get everything else in order. Might sound far-fetched and crazy but I believe those who know me best, especially during that period of my life, would agree.
Now I realize this turnaround may be met with doubt but I won't have it. Hell, I'm king of doubt. Especially when it comes to myself. I'm still changing though, so I will admit that this turnaround is somewhat fragile at this relatively early stage. But, I'm no longer going to doubt my abilities. I'm not going to be negative. And I will no longer tolerate negativity for negativity's sake. I can't anymore. It's not healthy. I need to stay positive. I'm not saying I want to be blindly positive because, frankly, I can't be. I'm too realistic in general but I can be positive enough to succeed. I can't promise I won't get negative at times but I have to learn from that and plow through those times. That's what you need to do to reach any goals you have in life.
You can set a bar for yourself that's either too low, just right, or too high. To go too low seems to underhand oneself. To set it just right seems like you are fine with mediocrity. But too high, well, I personally believe it shows you want to push for greatness. Most people will never actually reach greatness, but those who try hard can at least look back and see they made it well beyond mediocre. I'm going for greatness. Sure, maybe I don't quite know exactly what I want to do in life, but I'll be damned if I allow anybody to, for any reason, tell me I can't be this or that because if I want it badly enough, I can. On my terms.
And finally, I leave you with the slogan that has me obsessed with the Life is Good company: "Do what you like. Like what you do."
It's that simple.
Camera: Canon EOS DIGITAL REBEL XT
Date Taken: August 3, 2008
Flash: Not Fired
Lens: 18 mm
Shutter: 1/250 sec